Whether you’re just starting out or have been dating for decades, talking about money can quickly lead to frictional arguments that often drive a wedge at the heart of a relationship.
It’s no wonder that this emotionally charged topic struggles with couples at all levels of financial decision-making, when questions like, “Should we split the expenses evenly or prorated?” or “Do you have debt?” demand answers.
“It boils down to some of these big feelings like shame, embarrassment, fear of a fight with your partner or fear of judgment,” said Charlotte Pecknold, financial advisor at Coast Capital Savings.
To relieve the stress of these terror-inducing conversations, Coast Capital has created a card game called Talk Money to Me, which aims to help partners educate each other about their financial realities and goals – either by slowly entering the murky waters of the… talk about dipping money or just jump in at the deep end.
Michelle Meiklejohn/CBC
“Pairs can shuffle the deck and get right into the meat, pulling up the cards as they come, (that’s) for the more risk-takers,” Pecknold said.
“But we recommend leaving it in the order they come in so you don’t jump straight into the most provocative questions.”
The cards encourage partners to ask each other weighty questions like: Are you saving for retirement? Would you rather buy or lease a car? Should we conclude a cohabitation or marriage contract. Do you owe your friends or family money? Do you have a will or estate – and am I in it?
“Once couples learn basic healthy communication skills without escalating or avoiding, they can talk about just about anything,” said Edel Walsh, a board-certified relationship counselor and owner of Love Done Well Counseling in Vancouver, BC
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Coast Capital commissioned a poll asking Canadians why they think talking about money is so difficult. And while 97 percent of respondents believe transparency around finances is fundamental to healthy relationships, nearly half – 45 percent – admitted to being dishonest with their partner when it comes to their money.
do it or leave it
The survey sheds light on how uncomfortable partners are when discussing money. 75 percent of respondents said they would consider ending a relationship if they found out their partner was engaging in risky financial behavior.
“It’s such a triggering topic,” Walsh said, adding that sometimes a partner feels so threatened when they’re talking about money that they experience a fight-or-flight response.
“Many people would rather avoid the conflict and the talks than potentially risk losing the bond of the relationship,” she said.
Michelle Meiklejohn/CBC
Pecknold describes meeting a newlywed couple who opened their first joint account with the intention of sharing expenses such as groceries, phone bills and other utilities.
“It was revealed very quickly that we had two very different financial situations sitting at that table. And they learned it at the same time as I did,” she said.
The conversation revealed a financial imbalance within the partnership, in which one person worked during college, paid their tuition and even saved a little while the other racked up student debt and struggled with their creditworthiness.
“It really speaks to the fact that you need to have that conversation early and often so that you don’t get that information about your partner in the 11th hour,” Pecknold said.
Conducted by the Angus Reid Forum, the Coast Capital study was an online panel survey of 1,549 adults in Canada from January 10-13 this year.
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